My Big 10

Here are 10 things that enrage me instantly. They're not the usual recycled crap that everyone complains about like dentists, republicans, the DMV, reality tv, or kids. These are unique things that instantly make me want to bite someone's face. Enjoy.

1. People who whistle through their teeth. Look, I'm sorry you couldn't learn to whistle. But really... doing it wrong because you're too lazy to learn to do it the right way is not the same as learning to do it properly. Why bother? Everyone knows what you're trying to pull. If you just kept your mouth shut, no one would know that you can't whistle for shit. But when you fake it like that, all you're doing is telling everyone in the surrounding area, "Hey, I can't whistle! So you all have to suffer as a result." An alternate phrasing of that same statement would be, "I am a giant douche." The sound of it is so annoying, it's like nails on a chalkboard. Either learn to do it right or don't do it at all.

2. People who ask "How are you?" and you say, "Good, how are you?" and they don't answer. Hey... hey asshole! I asked you a question. Yes, I am well aware that I only asked it to be polite and we both know I don't give a shit how you're doing. But still, I asked you a question... answer me. You impolite bag of douche.

3. The guy (and it's always a guy) who nods, waves, or otherwise signals to me because we're driving the same car. Dude, I drive a Ford Escape. There's like, hundreds of them on the road. So what, we both liked silver? Pay attention to the road and stop admiring my shit when you have the exact same thing. You don't care about me. Did you nod to the guy ahead of me in his red Saturn? You did not. So leave me alone. Also, we do not have the exact same car. Mine is different because it's MINE and that makes it infinitely cooler. Yours didn't come with the 'Nick's awesomeness' option but mine came standard with it. Die.

4. Close talkers. Dude... back up. I can smell what you had for lunch 3 days ago. If you took 5 giant steps back, I'd still be able to hear you and not care from a comfortable distance. What do you want to do from this close, give me a hug? And every time you get closer, I move back. We've managed to shuffle like 20 feet around the room so far. Why are you not getting the hint that I don't want you standing close enough to me that I can feel it?

5. Slow talkers. If I fall asleep before you finish a sentence, I'm sorry. I didn't do it on purpose. If you say 'uh' more than like, 12 times in one sentence and in the end it still doesn't make sense, I forbid you to talk to me. Go be someone else's problem. I'm not ready for bed yet but you seem determined to put me to sleep.

6. Busy signals. It's 2008. We have the technology to split atoms, see stars in other galaxies, send robots to Mars, share pictures over a phone line, and fit 40,000 songs in a device that fits in your pocket. And you don't have call waiting. Wtf, do you still have a rotary phone too? Turn down the hi-fi, I can't hear Cronkite's news report! Apparently we've beaten Russia to the moon! Quick, call Mom! ... ... ... ... Oh, it's busy. Nevermind.

7. Nextel. BEEEEP! HEY I'M USING SPEAKERPHONE IN PUBLIC SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR A CONVERSATION THEY AREN'T A PART OF! BEEEEP! *speakerphone*: That's awesome, can everyone within 100 feet hear what I'm saying? BEEEEEP! I HOPE SO CAUSE THIS IS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN IT SHOULD BE! Dude, I hate Nextel. You're not on a construction site or in a warehouse. Stop using speakerphone in public. No one wants to hear you. Nextel's walkie-talkie shit works without the speaker turned on. You are just a rude, obnoxious, self-important douchebag that needs attention. You are not important. You are a dick with a phone. I can get one too. You are not special.

8. Useless directions. Like the ones on shampoo. So... what, if there were no directions on the back? Are people putting it on salad or something? Or brushing their teeth with it? It's shampoo. The directions are in the name. Shampoo. That's what you do with it. Step 1: wet hair. *GASP* Whaaaat? These directions are crazy. Apparently they intend for me to be wet while doing this. I don't know how I'll manage to do this properly, it's not supposed to rain all week. Step 2: Massage onto scalp. Ok that should be no problem... wait... massage?! I'm not qualified to do that! I'll have to bring this bottle to that spa I went to last year. Someone there will have to do it for me. This is going to be expensive. Step 3: Rinse. Rinse what? I mean we're telling someone how to use shampoo, why would we assume anything at this point. How do we know they won't run outside with soapy hair and rinse their car with the hose? We don't. Step 3 should be edited to: Rinse hair. Step 4: Repeat if desired. Ok. How many times. We're taking things for granted again. If you're not careful with your wording, you'll have some retard repeating the process like 16 times until the bottle is empty. And then here's my favorite part taken directly from the bottle (so were the other steps) it says "For best results use at least twice a week." Ohhhh. So my clean hair as a result of using this product will not be permanent? I'll have to do this all over again... in 4 days? This is bullshit.

9. People who refuse to get EZ-Pass because they don't want the government to track where they go. I can honestly say I know more than one person who refuses to get EZ-Pass for this reason. Hey retards! The government isn't tracking where you go. Have you committed any felonies lately? Cause if not, I'm pretty sure you're ok. And really, if you did something so illegal that they would use EZ-Pass as a means to find you, just take the thing out of your car! But I'll say for now, you can leave it in there. Asshole, you haven't killed anyone, hacked into any high security computers, spied on anyone, or helped plan a terrorist attack in at least 4 years right? And regardless, every toll has a camera. You really haven't thought this through, have you? You better not do anything illegal cause even without EZ-Pass it doesn't look like you stand a chance. As long as you don't murder someone... you'll be fine. Get EZ-Pass.

10. Pennsylvania drivers. Anyone who's driven on Rt. 80 even a few times should have no trouble identifying with me here. I understand that in PA. time moves slower. Seconds take minutes, minutes take hours etc... but once you people get into Jersey, you need to understand that here in the real world, we are all moving in real time. Often faster. That being said, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE LEFT LANE. If you want to drive 60, I'm fine with that. But do it in the right lane. Get away from me. I actually have somewhere. Why is it that seemingly EVERY TIME I'm hauling ass in the left lane and I come up on a car going 20 miles slower than I am, it always has PA. plates. For fuck's sake, MOVE! You must have seen me catching up to you and you've had plenty of time to move over. But no, you sit there going slow, holding me up cause you don't care. You're on PA. time. Your whole state is useless. Just give us your steel and your chocolate and get the hell off our roads. Go around us, go to New York or Delaware, another state where time moves slower.