My Best Friend

There's so much I want to say and I don't know where to start. Ever have that problem. It's like, I know what I want to say but I wish it would appear all at once on the screen. To type it word by word just seems an impossibility. But I'll give it a shot. What do you do when your best friend doesn't care about you anymore? Or at least, that's how you're being made to feel. Every argument ends the same way, we never get anywhere. Everyone else has moved on and yet I still care. I still fight. And why? Why do I do it? I feel so fucking unimportant at this point that I should be angry enough to turn my back and walk away. "Fine, live your life, I'm out." I should have ended it there. But I couldn't. And I can't. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to care. Am I stupid for continuing to fight for something that I can't say for sure even exists anymore? How do I do this without explaining the entire situation. I don't suppose I can. And that's not really what I intended to do. I feel like Lauren has been a better friend to me from Belgium than Rich has from NYC. How is that possible? FUCK!

On a happier note, I've been hanging out with Jen a lot more often lately. Heh, I know that sounds weird being that we live together and are married. But the typical routine is Jen gets home hours earlier than me. She makes/has dinner, and is often in bed before I even get home from work. By the time I eat, shower, etc... she's done for the night. It kinda sucks to live together and be able to say "I haven't seen you in three days." But the past few days have been different. She's been up when I got home, or actually got home after me. We've had dinner together, made fun of near-retards on "Are you smarter Than A 5th Grader?" together... and last night... she watched hockey with me..?! I know! Awesome right? And not just ate on the same couch as me while I watched hockey. No, she watched it. Commented on it. It's been so awesome.

Maybe I should focus on that instead of what I don't have. Instead of who doesn't seem to want want me in their life, I suppose I should be with my friends who DO. That is, in essence, what I've been doing lately. I've hung out with Dan more in the past 3 months than I think I ever have since I've known him. And our significant others have become friends beyond our own friendship... which is what every guy secretly hopes for. We all want our chicks to get along. It makes things easier.

I find it amazing sometimes how my mind works. When I started writing this I was feeling really down. Lost, hurt, alone, depressed even. But in just a few short paragraphs, I feel good. Not just better. But good. I know that very few people read this, but those of you who tend to get worried sometimes with how I word things or how I end certain entries. This one has a good ending. I'd love tog et some comment though, if only to know you're there and you're reading it. Thanks.