My Doubt

Well... there's no easy way to say this... so I'll just say it. I had some thoughts last night. Thoughts I haven't had in about 10 years. It wasn't just the thought, it was the nature of the thought. I wasn't thinking of doing it so much as I was thinking of a way to do it so that it wouldn't hurt. See, that's why I couldn't do it 10 years ago. I was just too damn scared. Last night for just a minute, I was thinking of a way that I could do it so that I wouldn't be afraid of. There isn't one that I know of and no, I am NOT taking suggestions.

That wasn't the only frightening thought I had last night. I had another one. I'm going to try to keep it vague in hopes that those paying attention will figure it out. Who am I kidding, no one reads this anyway. I am not happy. I'm tired of arguing. It's always an argument and I'm always wrong. I'm sick of it. It's so fucking frustrating when someone you care about is incapable of trusting you to know the simplest information. I'm always wrong, I don't know anything about anything, and if I want to try show that I know what I'm talking about I had better be prepared to fight for it. I can't win either way. If I back down to avoid the fight, I feel like shit because I know my opinion means absolutely nothing. I know that there is no respect for me. If i fight for it, there is still no giving in. There is spite and God help me there is more pettiness than I've ever known. And the end result is still the same. I am still wrong. There are two ways that it typically goes when I present information. 1: I am immediately dismissed as wrong and am more than welcome to fight for it. 2: I am dismissed as wrong at a later time. For example, I think that I got through, only to find that whatever I asked for was still done exactly the way I asked not for it to be done.

It's respect. That's all it is. And I don't get any. It's been discussed before but obviously nothing has changed and if anything, it's gotten worse lately. I'm not happy. I simply can't go through life like this for much longer. Who wants to be made to feel like they don't matter? No one! Whether it's something as simple as how NOT to load a dishwasher to something as huge and important as the baptism of our first child; I am wrong. My way is inferior. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sick of it. I'm sick to fucking death of it. And who do I talk to about it? I'm bored of talking about it! We either never get anywhere (because I'm wrong) or it feels like we got somewhere but it falls right back to where we were. I don't know what to do. But I won't lie, I'm scared. I'm horrified. I can't live like this for much longer. If anyone reading this has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I'm certainly not ready to give up, but I want to fix this before that option is considered. But I won't lie, I refuse to be made to feel like this forever. That is meant to be taken exactly the way you know it's meant to be taken. So if you have any thoughts, please... please help me.