My Solitude

I ran into an old friend this morning while I was getting my car fixed. One of the many that I've not seen since my 23rd birthday (4 years if you're keeping score) when they all walked out as they learned I was dating Jen. Another story for another time. I didn't even recognize him. "Super Modes," he said to me and shook my hand. "What's up, how you doin'?" I asked with some excitement. He shook my hand, and walked away. Nothing to say to me. I wasn't upset, just confused. I thought after 4 years, we'd have maybe moved on a little. And it's not like Jen was a one-time thing... I mean, I seem to have married her. That's not it.

Driving home, I was dwelling on it. A lot. I started to think about Jen. She doesn't seem very happy lately. I'm not sure why but I think it's my fault. I'm scared. She doesn't seem to like me as much as she used to. Is that marriage? Is it just that there's nothing really new anymore and I'm just part of the routine? Or am I right... does she really like me less than she used to? This also, is not it.

I feel so alone. The last time I felt this alone, I really did have no one. I carried a certain coin in my pocket at all times which reads: "Bring them back safe." The strange thing is this time, I have friends and family who really do care about me. But I feel as lonely now as I did 13 years ago when I really didn't have anyone. Why is that? What the hell is the matter with me?

I can't go to Jen, she's going to tell me I'm wrong. That there's nothing wrong and I shouldn't worry. but that's not going to help because I AM worrying. So that's not so much an option now, is it? Lauren? Nope, can't go to her either. She's so busy trying to fit in every one of her friends in the next week, I doubt she'd have time for me anyway. And I'm not about to impose on her. She'll be pretty pissed when she reads that.

For now, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want sympathy. I don't know what I want. I've been feeling this weirdness for a while now. It's a big part of why I started this blog in the first place. But seeing my old friend this morning, however insignificant or irrelevant it may seem, I think it added some much unneeded over thinking to an already over thought situation. And no one to go to about it. Which leaves... only me.

Now let's see... where did I leave that coin?