St. Lauren

I talk about Lauren a lot and people know that she's a friend of mine and that she's very very important to me. I figured I'd write about her a little bit. I know how I feel but I always like to put my feelings into words. It makes for enjoyable writing (not always reading, but no one is forcing you to read this, are they?). It also allows me to go back and read my own words later to see how I felt at the time and do I still feel the same way now? How I feel about Lauren has remained relatively unchanged since I met her.

Lauren was 13 when I met her. She had so much personality, I was instantly drawn to her. It didn't take long before I had a new friend. Even sooner than I had a new friend, I noticed something... something different. I didn't know what it was, but I damn sure wanted to know. There was something different about her. Something special. Today I know it's because we think so very much alike. And I don't mean that to be dramatic in saying we just have a lot in common. I mean it literally. The way we think about things, from point A to point B is often down the exact same road. This is something that I've always thought to be very special, but is also a blessing.

When I first met her, she was at a pretty rough spot in her life and things were only going to get worse. We weren't close enough that she was willing to come to me for help. In fact, she's not the type to ask for that kind of help anyway. So I didn't bother waiting for her to ask. When I noticed something was wrong I just started giving her advice she didn't ask for. Before i knew it we were talking nightly about her life. Mostly her being miserable and me telling all the reason why she shouldn't be. The details aren't important. I never really knew how low of a point she ever reached until she thanked me for saving her life. All I ever did was be there for her. She made it sound so heroic. I didn't jump in front of a moving car or anything, I just listened to her. Sometimes I guess that's all you need. That's why it's so mazing to me how alike we think. It's easy to always tell someone the right thing when you know how they feel and more importantly why they feel that way and how they arrived at that point. Especially if you'd have done it the exact same way and be the same emotional mess if you were in their situation.

Her first year of college we had a falling out. No fight or anything, she just... dropped off the map. For a year. I did my best to try to make as much contact as possible, but nothing ever came of it. I missed her. Holy shit, did I miss her. I even asked her to be in my wedding (on Jen's behalf). I didn't know how to react either. I never really did react. I didn't want to be wrong. If I got mad at her, she might think I was an asshole and get mad at me and create another layer on top of the initial issue. Not what I wanted. I didn't know if I should be hurt either. Because I didn't know what the reason was. Was she just overwhelmed by her first year of college? Was I not as important to her as I thought?

I gave up. It's something I'm not proud of and something I've never admitted until now. I actually gave up on her. I decided that if she wanted to talk to me, she would come to me and if not, then I would know for sure. I hate myself for that.

She sent me an e-mail w/ subj: I Suck, and proceeded to apologize profusely. There was no hesitation, I was so happy to have her back in my life again. She's a huge piece of a puzzle that isn't very big. She beat herself up over it and while I did appreciate her remorse, I was too happy to have her back than to think about the time without her. Since then we're even closer than ever. I feel like if I asked to be in the wedding now, she would say yes. Just bad timing I guess. I've had some opportunities to rely on her. (I don't like to bring my crazy around Jen. She has to live with me. I really don't want to scare her with the nonsense that goes on in my head.) So when I'm feeling down for seemingly no reason, or over thinking something, or just need a smile after Jen goes to bed (no smiles after 8:00, she goes to bed early), Lauren is there to hold me up. Without her I would just fall over sometimes. And that would wake Jen up... if you follow.

This whole thing doesn't even begin to summarize how deep our friendship goes. But it does shed some light on what kind of friendship we have and that's the most I'm willing to share. Maybe you believe in guardian angels, maybe you don't. Is it possible for two guardian angels to guard each other? Sometimes I feel like we're just standing back to back looking out for each other so we're covered on all sides. I saved her life and she saves mine a little bit every day, so we're square.